Been doing it again.
Google is the most useful tool anyone could ask for, people use it for college, university. People use Google for a wide variety of things, from TV shows to who is pope. Some even look up celebrities to song lyrics that touch their hearts. Then there is me, and what do I use it for?
Stalking you.
I am in process of a second letter to you, but right now I just feel like rambling to you. Well, technically I am rambling to no one. So I suppose these would be ramblings of a mad man. I suppose once in a while everyone stalks their ex, but I stalk you, the only ex I feel the need to stalk. I know you are happy, so why do I feel the need to stalk you? I broke up with you thinking you would be happier with someone else, and it seems like you are, but am I hoping you two will be sad? That would just be plain stupid. Again. I am being vain and the world revolves around me, just like when you said it did to me. I should just be happy and leave you be, but I can’t, so I stare from a distance and hope for the best. I know I will never be the girl in your arms anymore, I am at peace with all that, so why can’t I just leave you alone? It is not like you know I am here looking, admiring from afar. I knew if I didn’t break your heart, things would have just got worse, and from how bad it was, why did I want to go back? Probably because each ounce of me loves you, with each breath, I breath for you.
For fuck sake. Now I even sound like a fucking stalker.
That is not who I am.
You made me like this.
I am not blaming you completely, my spontaneous act also brought me to where I am today, I really should have thought it through. Or at least more than I did. I am hoping you did not fully blame me, because it would make at least one of us that didn’t fully blame me for all this. You know, people reading this would think that this damaged heart happened recently, and this blog is all about the love of my life. When realistically me leaving you happened years ago, but try telling that to my heart, feels fresh damages to my heart.
If you turned up on my doorstep tomorrow, and begged me to love you again, I just couldn’t. How can someone love someone again when they never stopped loving them? I have dreamt about you turning up for years, how that would even be possible I don’t actually know, you don’t even know where I live. So I try and make it that little bit more realistic, I imagine that we bump into each other in a club, or we somehow end up back in that hotel.
It is amazing how much someone can notice something, even the smallest details when you actually look. I realise now that you loved me so much, you upload pictures of me saying how much you loved me. You wrote that you loved me every single day, you wrote silly little things, and when I did something I was proud of, you where happy to show it off. You wasn’t just my boyfriend, you where my best friend. The day I left, I lost my best friend, and my boyfriend. I saw something in my emails today, it was a message from you, saying how you called me princess because I always got what I wanted. But guess what baby, I don’t.
If I got everything I wanted, you would be laying next to me right now, and I would not be writing this.
Do you ever think of me and what life would be like if I didn’t leave? Do you even think about me? Probably not. You probably have the perfect little life, and have no need to think of me at all. Remember when we used to lay looking up at the stars, we always said if we ever got sad, felt lonely, or felt like we where worlds apart, to just look up. The moon up in the sky is the loneliness of them all, but we will always be looking at the same moon, no matter how far apart we are. So look up and remember all those times we looked up, saw the moon, and thought of each other.
Yours always, all ways,
Smurf ❤
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Artist – Reliant K
Song – The One I’m Waiting For
Reason;
In all honesty, I was listening to it at the time.
smurfbean 