Rebel Hearts

I have been trying for months to get hold of you. I even resorted to email, which came back ‘Unable to Send’. I have litrally tried everything. So I am turning to this.
You are my best friend, and mean the world to me, there was nothing we would keep from each other, or at least that is what I thought. The day you stopped talking to me, you told me it was because you couldn’t forgive me for the past. What was I supposed to do? Abort the child that turned out not to be yours?

I am sorry.

I cannot stress enough how sorry I am. I love you, I always will, as my best friend, nothing more. I wanted it to be more, but you broke my heart, you looked me in the eye and said you didn’t love me. You broke up with me when i was 4 months pregnant because your parents told you to. Yet you tell one of my other best friends that you stopped talking to me because you still love me? If that isn’t confusing, i don’t know what is. All I want is the truth from you, and a chance to explain myself.

You was always there when I needed you most, and I need you now. When I said I thought our relationship was a joke, I never ment it like it came across. I was scared, and paranoid. I held onto the past, I see that now, I told you because I believed you deserved the truth. You treated me so well, even saw my daughter as your own. I know she ment the world to you, and it was written all over your face that it broke your heart when you found out she wasn’t yours. I knew you would never forgive me for cheating on you, but lets go back. You wasn’t perfect, you was doing things you never should have. I am not excusing what I did, there is no excuse for that, but please find it in your heart to forgive me. Think of all those times we had fun, think of all of our inside jokes, think of al those times we got drunk. Please, remember the good times.

But most of all.

Please contact me.

I want to tell you how grown up my little girl is, tell you how big she is, tell you how much I miss the times we hung out. I miss you. I look at old pictures and wish you where in the new ones. Her Steelers jersey hangs in my wardrobe, she has had it on and looks adorable in it!

I honestly don’t know what else to put, just wish I could talk to you.

Everywhere

*Please note there will be swearing.*

It is happening again. The sleepless nights where I listen to ‘our’ songs. I just can’t help it, every time I think I am finally over you, here you come pounding into my thoughts like you own the fucking place. GO AWAY. You are no longer welcome. I am sure my boyfriend is sick and tired of hearing your name. I honestly don’t blame him. Why do you feel the need to come make me miserable? I am happy and do love my boyfriend, even if you have camp sites in my heart and head. I have never loved anyone like I loved you, then my boyfriend came along, I love him more than I ever loved you, yet you are still here? Why?
To be honest, I think I am making myself depressed, finding reasons why I shouldn’t be happy. Since you are not around to do it for me, might as well do it myself. You are my anxiety and my depression, I got so used to how you made me feel, I create it for myself daily, I am trying my hardest to be happy, but you are my nagging feeling every time. I no longer want you there. I held on for so long, but I really don’t want to fuck this relationship up. So please, get out of my head and heart, someone else is here now, who is trying to fix my heart. He does not want to destroy it like you did.

If we go to reality, you have barely said a word to me in 5 years, and I have barely saw you. You have stayed away, but even though you have, you are still camped out in my head and heart. Well, this is your eviction notice, kindly leave, and NEVER COME FUCKING BACK. I honestly don’t know why I keep writing these letters to you, I don’t even know why you are still in my heart and head, I honestly don’t want to love you at all. A part of my heart will always belong to you, but I no longer want it to. You just don’t deserve it.
Five years, nearly six since we broke up, and I am still not fully over you, or is it just the idea and memories? That is my new theory, we don’t love the person, just the idea and the memories. Or am I making up excuses for the hole I willingly climbed into?

It it time for me to climb out.

I need this anxiety and depression to fuck off. You started it, I am ending it. I am with a guy who makes me feel like the world revolves around me, a guy that looks after me, a guy that worries about me. You are not this guy. Not anymore, and it is how I want it, I don’t love you, and I don’t want to be loved by you.

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Michelle Branch – Everywhere
The title is from Michelle Branch, it was the song we classed as ‘our song’, because it was your ringtone when we first kissed, and your phone went off.

Gives You Hell

After re-reading “Love Drunk” I feel I need to clear something up.

At the beginning, I felt like it was all my fault. Maybe you should look in a mirror. You turned into a border lined wife beater. I sat here writing 3 longs how I felt like it was all my fault. Not I can see it all in black and white, I sit here pining over my regret. When in actual fact, my guilt is all I feel for you now. I sit my arse in bad relationships feeling like I have to as punishment for what I did to you. When in actual fact, the first time I actually properly did something for myself in our relationship was LEAVING YOU.

I fucking loved you, more than I loved anyone in the whole world. Then you have the cheak to call me every name under the sun when I break up with you. Grow the fuck up dude! Take the advice you tried to give me; stop sulking, the world does not evolve around you.
You know, at first at cons, I would avoid you becasue just seeing you would make me want to cry. The last time I saw you, I apologised to you for everything. Then you started showing off. What are you? A spoiled brat? Don’t get me wrong, to me you where amazingly attractive, now you are ugly as sin, your personality is ugly.
God I hope your poor girlfriend doesn’t go through the shit you put me through. I went from being happy, hyper, flirty smurf, to obedient, shy, recluse, and scared. I do not think you realise how petrified I was of you?
I had people telling me to leave you because they could see what you where doing to me. It has been nearly 5 years since we broke up. I AM FINALLY OVER YOU!

Now, to add some lyrics;
– Now you’ll never see, what you’ve done to me, you can take back your memories, they’re no good to me. Here’s all your lies, you can look me in the eyes, with the sad sad look that you wear so well.
– I won’t miss, all of the fighting that we always did, take it in, I mean what I say, when I say there is nothing left.
– I used to bite my tounge and hold my breath, scared to rock the boat and make a mess, so I sat quietly, agree politely, I guess that I forgot I had a choice, I let you push me past the breaking point, I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything. (Wish I could write all the lyrics, but fuck it, all the song, just listen to Katy Perry – Roar)

It is weird. I feel so light.

You definitely taught me a lesson though. So thank you for that.

No longer under your control….

~ Smurf

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Artist; The All-American Rejects
Song; Gives You Hell
Reason; The song says it all. ‘Truth be told I miss you. Truth be told, I’m lying’

Just Keep Breathing

You reminded me to keep breathing. Even when life seemed hard.

When we first met, I never thought you would make me feel like this, I honestly thought we would just be friends, then we started playing games together. You made me laugh, and forget my bad day. You always understood me, you even gave me the time of day and when it felt like the world turned it’s back on me, you made sure I knew you didn’t. Even when all I was doing was bitching, you listened, and somewhere along the lines, I started to have feelings for you.
I never wanted to tell you due to circumstances, the fact I come with baggage, I didn’t want it all dumped on you. As time went on, I started to feel more for you, but in attempt to get rid of my feelings, I started to flirt with someone else. I honestly thought you had no interest in me, not in the same way I did you, at least. It didn’t work. Although you knew I was doing this you did not mention what you felt for me, even though I heard the hint of jealousy in your voice.

As time went on more, we got closer. Then I came to yours, something happened, I don’t, mean sexually, I mean emotionally; I was determined not to love you. The harder I fought against it, the more my heart wanted to fall. The way you hugged me, I loved. When you hugged me from behind, it was like I felt love again. When I was with my last love, he made me feel amazing, but you make it feel like all the ones before where fake. You make me feel like they where all the practice run, and you are the real thing.
When we kissed at the station, I felt we where the only two people there, I hope you felt the same as me; felt alone in a crowded room, while I was there with you.

When we sit on Skype, I cannot help but look at you, and when I see you look at me, I can see all that love in your eyes, I do not think anyone has ever looked at me the way you do. Although others could have, but I either never noticed, or didn’t feel the same way back to see it. I know that is a little contradictory, but I don’t care, all that matters to me is you, and my little girl.

In between everything the last few months, something happened. Something I really didn’t expect.

I fell in love.

If I could have one wish right now, I would get the complications out of my life. So everything would be easier for us.

Us

Funny isn’t it? I don’t think either of us expected this to happen ♡

~Smurf ❤

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Artist – We The Kings
Song – Just Keep Breathing
Reason;
To be honest, listen to the song, it explains itself.

Love Drunk

For my second letter, I thought I would write to you again. In my last letter to you I wrote all about how we met and our firsts. This is going to start with the new year. After Christmas is when our relationship started to go down hill, I think what didn’t help is I had to move out. I don’t think the either of us really wanted to go into that. To be honest, at first it made our relationship stronger, we didn’t see each other all the time, so we had more to talk about, but 6 months down the line is when it started.
Our nights turned. It went from watching the same movie 4 times a night because we where a little preoccupied, to watching it twice if we where lucky to even become preoccupied once. We went from spending hours on the Xbox giggling and playing games together, to me sitting on the laptop and you doing your own thing. We just drifted apart, and the more we drifted, the more we rowed.

Every time we rowed I forgave you, all I thought about was how I love you. All the things that made me fall in love with you helped me forgive you. Just seeing you made every problem, big or small, go away as if it never happened. As time passed our relationship just got worse, I stayed in denial for quite some time, as I am sure you where too. I don’t want to bring up our arguments, but eventually I had enough. We both where unhappy, even you cannot deny that.

Thing is, every time I saw you, I, melted. I felt like a teenager about to hang out with her crush. Now when I see you, I feel like I have to be drunk to even look at you without the weight of guilt that falls on top of me. Every time I look at you, I have to remember; I was the one who walked away. Every song I listen to, it is about the heart break they felt when their ex walked away, it is like a playlist invented to make me not forget.

The Monday before I left, I spoke to a mutual friend, I felt like you where distant, and you didn’t want me anymore because you where upset. So said friend suggested I didn’t contact you, that way I will know what to do, as days went, and no contact, it felt like my heart broke peice by peice. So that Wednesday I had decided, it was time. I borrowed money to get the bus, came to yours that Thursday, packed my stuff and left. It may sound simple, it may sound nasty, but my heart never recovered from that day. Though your probably right, I deserve it, but I am human too believe it or not. I cried for weeks. As you know, 5 days after I broke up with you was my birthday, I held it together for the day, but all I wanted to do was cry. I felt so empty. I really wanted to call you, but I just couldn’t, but it isn’t like you called me and tried to talk is it?

So I must have been right.

This blog was supposed to make me feel better and help, but I just realised, I hope I am wrong, but, I think I was right.
– If you really wanted to stay with me.
– If you really loved me.
– If what I was told was true and you wanted to propose on my birthday.
You would have tried everything to get me back, or even just talk to me, but you didn’t. Like I said to you baby, forever never lasts. I said always to you, and I ment it, always, all ways. Now. I’m heels over head. And;

I used to be love drunk.
But now I’m hung over.
Love is forever.

Forever is over.

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Artist – Boys Like Girls
Song – Love Drunk
Reason;
This is my way of using your words against you. I still remember the status, when “Heels Over Head” describes it all better. These letters are helping me get over the past, so maybe I will not fully love you ever again when this is all finished, but hell, I feel hung over.

The One I’m Waiting For

Been doing it again.

Google is the most useful tool anyone could ask for, people use it for college, university. People use Google for a wide variety of things, from TV shows to who is pope. Some even look up celebrities to song lyrics that touch their hearts. Then there is me, and what do I use it for?

Stalking you.

I am in process of a second letter to you, but right now I just feel like rambling to you. Well, technically I am rambling to no one. So I suppose these would be ramblings of a mad man. I suppose once in a while everyone stalks their ex, but I stalk you, the only ex I feel the need to stalk. I know you are happy, so why do I feel the need to stalk you? I broke up with you thinking you would be happier with someone else, and it seems like you are, but am I hoping you two will be sad? That would just be plain stupid. Again. I am being vain and the world revolves around me, just like when you said it did to me. I should just be happy and leave you be, but I can’t, so I stare from a distance and hope for the best. I know I will never be the girl in your arms anymore, I am at peace with all that, so why can’t I just leave you alone? It is not like you know I am here looking, admiring from afar. I knew if I didn’t break your heart, things would have just got worse, and from how bad it was, why did I want to go back? Probably because each ounce of me loves you, with each breath, I breath for you.

For fuck sake. Now I even sound like a fucking stalker.

That is not who I am.

You made me like this.
I am not blaming you completely, my spontaneous act also brought me to where I am today, I really should have thought it through. Or at least more than I did. I am hoping you did not fully blame me, because it would make at least one of us that didn’t fully blame me for all this. You know, people reading this would think that this damaged heart happened recently, and this blog is all about the love of my life. When realistically me leaving you happened years ago, but try telling that to my heart, feels fresh damages to my heart.

If you turned up on my doorstep tomorrow, and begged me to love you again, I just couldn’t. How can someone love someone again when they never stopped loving them? I have dreamt about you turning up for years, how that would even be possible I don’t actually know, you don’t even know where I live. So I try and make it that little bit more realistic, I imagine that we bump into each other in a club, or we somehow end up back in that hotel.

It is amazing how much someone can notice something, even the smallest details when you actually look. I realise now that you loved me so much, you upload pictures of me saying how much you loved me. You wrote that you loved me every single day, you wrote silly little things, and when I did something I was proud of, you where happy to show it off. You wasn’t just my boyfriend, you where my best friend. The day I left, I lost my best friend, and my boyfriend. I saw something in my emails today, it was a message from you, saying how you called me princess because I always got what I wanted. But guess what baby, I don’t.
If I got everything I wanted, you would be laying next to me right now, and I would not be writing this.

Do you ever think of me and what life would be like if I didn’t leave? Do you even think about me? Probably not. You probably have the perfect little life, and have no need to think of me at all. Remember when we used to lay looking up at the stars, we always said if we ever got sad, felt lonely, or felt like we where worlds apart, to just look up. The moon up in the sky is the loneliness of them all, but we will always be looking at the same moon, no matter how far apart we are. So look up and remember all those times we looked up, saw the moon, and thought of each other.

Yours always, all ways,

Smurf ❤

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Artist – Reliant K
Song – The One I’m Waiting For
Reason;
In all honesty, I was listening to it at the time.

I’d Do Anything

My first letter is to you. Don’t get me wrong, I have wrote many letters to you in my head for a number of years. I even wrote a few down and threw them away. The amount of times I have wanted to come and talk to you is unreal. Everytime I see you, or think about you, my heart remembers what it was like to love you, and have you love me in return. The amount of times I have seen you from across the room, and, you look sad. Is that because of me? Or am I being vain here?

The first time I saw you, you where in your little world, at the time you where just a stranger on the train. I was with my friends, you was with yours. One thing I do remember is quite odd, I remember you looked at me, although I suppose I was staring at you. When you looked at me, you gave me a little smile, it felt like we where the only people on the train, and that was the first time you smied at me. I could never have guessed you where going to be getting off the same stop as me. Let alone staying in the same hotel. Every time I saw you that weekend I couldn’t take my eyes off you, I even felt really jealous when you went to hang with a female friend. Why? It wasn’t like you where my boyfriend or anything.
Do you remember the first time I told you that I love you? It was probably the most embarrassing moment in my life. It must have been an hour or so after I met you, I felt like a right idiot after, I honestly thought you would have thought I was a weirdo. It seemed you didn’t think that. That Saturday, we had a laugh, and you ended up staying in my hotel room, though we where in different beds. I was trying to work up the courage to get in bed with you, but I was so tired I fell asleep. I regretted that decision at the time, but I didn’t know that eventually I wouldn’t, although I have wondered what would have happened if I did climb into bed with you.

Once that weekend had ended and we parted ways, I honestly never thought I would ever see you again. Then fate hit me again. About a week later I ran up a $300 phone bill. If I am correct, we where on the phone 8 hours straight! We just didn’t run out of things to say! We spoke about all sorts of things, from music to books we liked, the amount of things we found that we had in common was very surprising. Once it became about 6am, we decided to call it a night, but in that conversation, we decided to meet. I thought my luck would have changed, we arranged I would be staying at your house for a few nights, no matter how excited I was about it, I honestly thought it would be too good to be true, and thought I wouldn’t be staying at yours. I should have known better. I went to yours for a few days with no change of clothes, I should have gone home first.
We met up with friends the day we where leaving for yours, we had a good day. That afternoon we got the train to yours, that was when we had our first kiss. When we kissed, it felt like the whole world just stopped, I forgot that there where others around us, let alone a world around us.

By that Christmas, I was pinching myself, I was living with the man of my dreams. Whenever I looked at you, I saw my future king, and I was your future queen. To me, the flaws you think you have are the things I love most, and all the flaws I see in myself where what you loved most about me. Every day you treated me like I was a princess, and I felt like one too, I even believed I was your one and only, like you are mine. I am glad now, that at the time, I had no idea what was in store for us in the future, because at that time, I believed in love at first sight.

Yours always.

Smurf ❤

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Artist – Simple Plan
Song – I’d Do Anything
Reason;
In a whole, I feel this song describes how our relationship was, and how I feel, as I feel “this could be the one last chance, to make you understand.” Also, Mark from Blink 182 is in the song, what is not to love?

Letters To You

I had so many names to call this blog, “Letters to you” was one of them. Instead I have named this blog that title. The reason is because this blog is going to be my outlet, as it seems I am in need of one. The person whome the letters are going to be to is not just one person, it will be to many, basically loved ones in my life, even loved ones no longer in my life. Some letters will be to people who I do not like. Although, regardless of this, I am not going to say who they are to, each letter will be written in a format as if I have wrote the letter and sent it to them. I know most of their addresses, some even phone numbers, but I want it written here so I can openly put things. The best part? No one is to know who I am. Even if I want them to.

**EDIT** I have decided to re-name all my blogs to songs that fit my blog, or ‘letter’ since it does not have “Dear….” or an actual subject. I will put what the song is called and why at the end of each letter.

SMURF